Copy of STOP WAITING TO BE CHOSEN. CHOOSE YOUR DAMN SELF.
Let me ask you something. When the hell did you decide that somebody else gets to determine your worth? Seriously, think about how much of your life you've spent waiting for someone to choose you, appreciate you, love you correctly, apologize for what they did, or finally recognize everything you bring to the table. How many times have you questioned yourself because somebody didn't see your value? How many nights have you spent wondering what you could have done differently, what you should have said, or why you weren't enough? At some point, you have to ask yourself why you've given other people so much authority over how you feel about yourself.
Here's something I need you to understand. You can be the whole damn package and still be standing at the wrong person's doorstep begging them to let you in. You can be intelligent, beautiful, loyal, successful, loving, and have everything going for yourself, and somebody still might not choose you. That doesn't mean something is wrong with you. It doesn't mean you're missing something, and it damn sure doesn't mean you need to start changing everything about yourself to convince them otherwise. Sometimes people simply aren't compatible. Sometimes their priorities are different. Sometimes they just don't want what you're offering. And guess what? They're allowed to make that decision, just like you're allowed to decide that you're no longer going to spend your life trying to change their mind.
The problem is that so many women have become accustomed to measuring their value through other people's opinions. When somebody wants us, we feel desirable. When somebody loves us, we feel worthy. When somebody needs us, we feel important. But the minute someone walks away, rejects us, or doesn't give us the attention we're looking for, suddenly we're questioning everything about ourselves. Why? Did your value disappear because somebody stopped calling? Did your intelligence vanish because someone chose another woman? Did everything you've accomplished suddenly become meaningless because a relationship didn't work out? Absolutely fucking not. So why are you allowing somebody else's choices to determine how you see yourself?
And before we go any further, let's talk about something that might make you uncomfortable. We spend a lot of time discussing the people who hurt us, betrayed us, abandoned us, or failed to appreciate us. But how often do we sit down and acknowledge the times we've abandoned ourselves? I'm talking about the times you knew something wasn't right but convinced yourself to stay anyway. The times you said yes because you were afraid of disappointing somebody. The times you kept explaining the same boundary to someone who had already shown you they weren't interested in respecting it. Now, I'm not talking about blaming yourself for another person's abuse or mistreatment. Their behavior is their responsibility. I'm talking about the situations where you have the ability to make a different choice, but fear, familiarity, or the need for acceptance keeps you doing the same damn thing.
I've had to confront this in my own life. There were decisions I made that I couldn't keep blaming on my circumstances, my upbringing, or the people around me. I had to look at myself and acknowledge that some of the things I was experiencing were connected to patterns I kept repeating. Was that comfortable? Hell no. But it was necessary. You cannot change what you're unwilling to acknowledge, and you cannot build a different life while insisting that every problem in your life is somebody else's responsibility. Sometimes the most powerful thing you can do is admit that something isn't working and decide that you're going to handle it differently.
That's why I get frustrated when I see self-love being reduced to bubble baths, expensive perfume, buying yourself flowers, and posting pretty affirmations on social media. Don't get me wrong, I love those things too. There's nothing wrong with treating yourself well. But choosing yourself goes so much deeper than that. Sometimes choosing yourself means having a difficult conversation you've been avoiding. Sometimes it means admitting you were wrong and making things right. Sometimes it means walking away from something you've invested years into because you've finally accepted that it's no longer healthy for you. Sometimes it means getting your finances together, seeking support, establishing boundaries, or finally pursuing the dream you've been talking about for the last five years.
Everybody wants confidence. Everybody wants peace. Everybody wants to become that woman who walks into a room knowing exactly who she is and what she brings to the table. But are you willing to make the decisions that come with becoming her? Are you willing to disappoint people who benefited from you having no boundaries? Are you willing to stop entertaining situations simply because they're familiar? Are you willing to be honest about the habits, choices, and beliefs that are keeping you stuck? Because you can't keep making the same decisions and expecting an entirely different life. That's not how transformation works, no matter how many affirmations you repeat in the mirror.
This is one of the reasons I created The Black Rose Society. Over the years, I've connected with women who can tell me everything about what their husbands want, what their children need, what their families expect, and what everybody else thinks they should be doing. But when I ask them what they want for themselves, they struggle to answer. They know how to show up for everybody else, but somewhere along the way, they've forgotten how to show up for themselves. They've become so accustomed to being needed that they don't even know who they are outside of what they provide for other people. And I want women to understand that their value isn't limited to what they can do for somebody else.
When I say that you are the most valuable player in your own life, I'm not telling you to become selfish, cold, or act like you don't need anybody. We all need love, support, friendship, and community. There's nothing wrong with wanting to be loved or wanting someone to share your life with. But there's a difference between allowing people to be part of your life and giving them the authority to determine your entire identity. You can love someone deeply without abandoning yourself. You can support your family without sacrificing every dream you've ever had. You can be a wonderful partner, mother, daughter, or friend and still recognize that your needs, ambitions, boundaries, and happiness matter too.
And here's something else I want you to understand. Choosing yourself doesn't mean every decision will work out perfectly. You're still going to make mistakes. You're still going to have moments when you question yourself, and there will be times when you have to start over. That's life. But making a mistake doesn't mean you have to spend the rest of your life punishing yourself for it. You learn, you take accountability, you make whatever changes are necessary, and you keep moving. The woman you're becoming doesn't need you to be perfect. She needs you to be willing to grow.
So here's what I want you to do after reading this. I want you to really think about where you're still waiting for somebody else's permission. Where are you making yourself smaller because you're afraid of being rejected? What are you tolerating simply because you're afraid of starting over? And most importantly, what is one decision you can make this week that demonstrates you're finally taking yourself seriously? I'm not asking you to turn your entire life upside down overnight. I'm asking you to stop talking about the changes you want to make and start taking responsibility for the ones that are within your control.
Because confidence isn't built by telling yourself you're powerful a hundred times a day. It's built when you begin trusting yourself to make decisions, honor your boundaries, follow through on your commitments, and handle the consequences of your choices. Every time you show up for yourself, you're building evidence that you can depend on the woman looking back at you in the mirror. And that kind of confidence doesn't disappear just because somebody doesn't like you, doesn't choose you, or doesn't agree with the way you live your life.
I want you to understand that you don't have to spend the rest of your life auditioning for a place in somebody else's story. You don't need to convince people to recognize your worth, and you don't need to keep proving yourself to people who have already decided they don't want what you have to offer. Let them make their choices. You have some choices of your own to make.
And if choosing yourself means certain people no longer have the same access to you, then that's something you'll have to learn to accept. Not everybody is going to understand your growth. Not everybody is going to celebrate your boundaries. But the goal was never to keep everybody happy at the expense of yourself.
The goal was never to keep everybody. The goal is to stop losing yourself trying to.
You have your own life to live, your own dreams to pursue, and your own decisions to make. Stop sitting around waiting for somebody to hand you permission to become the woman you know you're capable of being.
Choose your damn self. And start acting like you mean it.
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— Lola AugustFounder, The Black Rose Society
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